He Was a Damn Good Man - A Daughter's Eulogy to Her Father

Dad and Me March 2012

Looking out today I see many familiar faces of family and friends . . . It is such a healing gift to be surrounded by your love for my father. Thank you for coming and showing my family and me that he holds a special place in your heart too. 

I have struggled to find the right words, the right stories that would speak truly of my father . . . he was an example that I looked up too, an inspiration. We didn’t always see eye to eye. It wasn't always easy being with him, but so what? Easy doesn't always equal good. Being a father isn't always easy. Or being a husband, or a friend, for that matter. But he was a damn good man.

You see, I had a father for 82 years and have only NOT had a father for four days, so any thing I say today must be understood as the words of someone only four days old.  But still I will try.  Indeed, this trying - this effort to accomplish the seemingly impossible - is a gift I’ve received from my dad.

He was the most tenacious person I knew.  Ferocious, focused and fueled by a need to be his own man, accomplishing this in countless ways well into his later years.  To him, it wasn’t “my way or the highway,” it was “my way or the my way.”  The right way and dad’s way were one and the same. Especially when it came to doing things with his hands.

Dad had mastered the craft of a carpenter; building the house my brother and I grew up in.  There was always a project to be done, whether for family or friends who had hired him. I remember when I was young, the joy I’d have on Saturday mornings, climbing into his old pick up truck, with the rattles and creeks as he shifted the huge gear shift sticking out of the floor as we went to the hardware store to get his list of supplies. 

He’d hustle me along as I meandered and stared in amazement at all the tools and bins and bins of nails.  I’m sure I talked non-stop, with question after question.  But since I was asking about something he was interested in and knowledgeable about, the answers were full of patience and explanations.  He was always introducing me, “This is my baby.” Today, I am a professional seamstress/fashion designer and my brother is a woodworker, I know that our creative processes and workmanship skills were imbedded in us from Dad and his love of the perfection of carpentry.

However, carpentry wasn’t the only thing Dad did with his hands.  He was a skilled chef . . . though he always referred to himself as a cook. But I know he could stand up against some of the greatest names out there.  Maybe not in finesse, but for sure in taste and flavor!  He learned the skill of this trade while in the army, his food was simple but he could take a recipe for four and easily make it just as delicious for 400.

I would sit in the kitchen chair, watch him and observe . . . chopping, dicing, slicing . . . taking tastes, adding more of one ingredient then a sprinkle of this and a dash of that.  I learned much during those years of watching him. And once again . . . I’m so like my Dad.  I have the same passion for cooking, perhaps a bit more refined with varied ethnicities than him, but there’s no denying where my drive came from. The kitchen was the first place I headed when I got the phone call from Mom of his passing. It gives me the same serenity and peace that it gave him.

The past several years, he’d love when I cooked dinner and provided for him.  Sometimes he was never quite sure what it was that he was eating, but “um um, this is good.”  I always felt I’d earned his respect in the kitchen when I prepared all the food for their 50^th wedding anniversary.  It was so difficult for him to take that step back and watch, but he did. And after that, every time he spoke of that day, the gleam in his blue eyes twinkled with pride.

Mom and Dad have been together over 61 years now.  Yes, today is about him and the celebration of his life.  But I want to take a moment to thank her for the love, support and care she has given him.  Many days and times were difficult, but she made his life richer, fuller and rewarding.  My father's last years were not easy. Always used to being in control, he found it hard to concede to the body's imperfection and the growing need to depend on Mom for support. Always a giver, now he had to receive. Always the one in charge, now he was the charge of others.  Mom took on that role and did it well.  For that I am eternally grateful. 

Up until recently, I’d work with Dad on what he’d want to get Mom for Christmas.  Often times my picking something up for him, then showing it to him before it was wrapped and placed under the tree. Sometimes he’d know exactly what he wanted but felt the need to check with me to see if she’d like it.  He never wanted to disappoint her.  The earrings she wore last night . . . I’d forgotten about them until she put them on.  Dad and I had snuck off together one day, who knows what errand we told her we were doing, and went to the jewelry store.  He’d had them all picked out but was unsure of them.  I knew immediately Mom would love them!!  And she did.

Dad and I had just spoken last Tuesday.  I’d called from my vacation to check up on them after hearing of the storms in the area. As always, Mom said, “Here, talk to your Dad” then she proceeded to hand him the phone, not waiting for my reply. We chatted a bit and he closed with, “We just called to check up on you . . .” I chuckled to myself, not bothering to correct him.  “All right Dad, I’m doing good and I’ll see you soon” I replied. Little did I know that I really would be seeing him soon, less than a week later lying in his casket. So many telephone conversations I never could have recalled what we spoke about, but this one, for some reason, gave me a laugh and a smile. I’m so grateful I have those final words to keep in my heart and stash in my memory.  I know he’ll always be checking up on me.

Dad, today your body is going to a place I’m not ready for.  You’ll have to go there alone.  But we’ll all join you some day, and I will look forward to that time when we can raise a glass and toast to our memories and live in eternal peace together forever and ever.

Rest in peace, waltz the night away and know that I love you.  Always have.  Always will.  You’re my Dad, and a damn good man.

Love, Aprons, Cast Iron Skillets, Spices Create Valentine’s Memory

Thanks to my Grandma, the early days of my youth laid the foundation for my adventuresome foray into foods and spending time in the kitchen. It’s that affinity for the explosion of tastes and textures that I look for in recipes today. I love whiling away the hours in one of her old aprons, they give me the courage and strength to experiment and to keep trying and not ever feel defeated by ingredients and processes.

One of the most audacious dishes I’d done in a long time was for Valentine’s Day last year. Braised lamb shanks with kale out of the latest issue of Bon Appetite – YUM! The shanks were generously coated with a spice mixture of cinnamon, cardamom, and flour; then seared on all sides in my Grandmother’s old cast iron skillet. Every time I use it, I know it exudes love into what ever I’m making. I wanted this meal to be special and full of love. The remaining spice mixture was combined with scallions, garlic, tomatoes, golden raisins, saffron threads, ground cloves and beef stock then cooked down to a bubbly, thick sauce which braised the shanks. Braising takes hours, as the smells permeated the house our stomachs began to rumble. I swear at one point, when I opened the oven door to check the progress, I saw a rivulet of drool about to escape out of the corner of my boyfriend’s mouth, he vehemently denies it!

Once the meat was cooked, I stirred in Lacinato kale, a very dark, almost forest green, less curly leaf. The taste and meatiness of it was superb, as well as a wonderful compliment to the plethora of spices and headiness of the lamb. The shanks and sauce were succulent with meat falling off the bone. I served roasted, ruby red beets and a simple bulgur wheat to accompany the entree. It was spectacular and delicious, a real restaurant quality meal.

For dessert, I made an old family recipe –thanks again Grandma! A deep, dark, sweet, rich chocolate cake that forms a pudding on the bottom while it bakes. Served flipped and warm, topped with fresh whipped cream that oozes and melts into the pudding and large, plump, juicy raspberries on the side. It is a very orgasmic dessert, perfect for this Valentine’s celebration. The entire meal was one we’ll never forget.

Memories are a wonderful thing . . . conjuring up images, feelings, and smells of days and decades past. I continue to make new ones in the kitchen for us, wearing my Grandma’s stained, old apron, using her skillet. It’s those of special occasions that will always be the first to come to mind. I raise my glass of Petite Syrah and toast my Grandmother and thank her for all that she taught me! And to my Sweetie, I love him very much! She passed in 2003 at 91; I hope I have her longevity, in life and in my relationship. Salute!!

Day 26 - It's working!

Where has the time gone . . . summer is just flying by!! And there never seems to be enough hours in the day. How will I manage when I get a full time job again??

There have been ups and downs – both on the scale and in my emotions these past few weeks. It’s amazing how the two seem to be tied together! After my first week of writing down everything I ate and all exercise I did, I lost 3.2 lbs. A good start, but difficult to spend that kind of time every day. Especially since I’m supposed to be looking for employment.

We escaped to the mountains for a few days the beginning of August – North Carolina has the most gorgeous High Country area along the Blue Ridge Parkway. We hiked and traipsed over strenuous and not so strenuous trails forthree days. And my body felt it!! There was one trail so strenuous we only went about 1/3 of the way, vowing to go back one day after we’ve each dropped some pounds – say 20 or more!! It had the most spectacular waterfalls and scenery. I can’t wait!!

However, I’ve been drained since that day last Wednesday. We didn’t just do the difficult trail, we did part of an easier one and then in the afternoon discovered a hidden little gem called Elk River Falls – by this time my legs felt like jello but I still maneuvered the climb to get to the falls and back to the car! The memories are worth all the aches and pains I have.

I have some acid reflux issues and can’t take anti-inflamatories like I used too, so I’ve been trying to tolerate the pain. My knees have been hurting and my lower back stiff. Every time I try to get up from a seated position, I feel like I’m 90 and can hardly move. In my head I know the more I move the better I will feel . . . but damn, it hurts! I can understand why people become so sedentary and don’t want to move!! I have gone for a couple of walks, including a two mile one on the greenway in the heat and humidity of the afternoon. Boy, the heat wears me out too! I think I’m probably dehydrated most of the time!

And these wacky hormones . . . God bless my boyfriend for what he’s putting up with! Sleep eludes me most of the time and it doesn’t take much to feel like I’m burning up – sometimes with puddles of sweat and others just hot! I’m still in perimenopause, 7 weeks and counting since my last period and the longest I’ve ever gone without one is 10 weeks. I think and hope the end of my menses is near!!

I was very discouraged upon my return from the mountains and discovered that the scales were up almost five pounds! With all that exercise and water, I didn’t expect the betrayal. I was tempted to say ‘eff it, but remembered how much I really want to finish the Lower Pond Creek Trail at Lake Coffey – the strenuous one that indicates, “somewhat rugged and a little difficult in places, most healthy individuals in moderate shape will find it very negotiable.” I really focused this week on low carbs and lots of fruits and vegetables to go with a moderate amount of protein. I think it’s paying off . . . the scales were the lowest they’ve been in a long time this morning! I’m down a total of 6.6 lbs., taking off the increase of last week and then some. I’m very proud of myself!!

Now, if I can just continue to stick with it. It’s not easy to afford the healthier foods on unemployment. I’d love to eat fish more often, at least a couple times a week, and I’m trying new kinds of grains and vegetables I’m not familiar with. Makes it fun to research recipes and make delectable delights for the palate and my Sweetie. I’ve found a quinoa and ground turkey stuffed into multi-colored peppers recipe that I’m looking forward to trying. Earlier this week I made some interesting salads – one with peaches and avocado with a roasted red pepper vanilla bean dressing and the other a fennel and apple with gorgonzola cheese. Both were very good!! Also made some baba ganoush to snack on with multi-grain twists. I know I can do this . . . I have plans to return back to belly dancing the middle of September. I should start practicing my shimmies and hip hits! My knees and hips will love me . . .

Day 2 - Is it too early to give up?

I was wandering aimlessly around the grocery store last night trying to decide what to do for dinner. It was already after 7:00 pm and my thoughts of trying to eat earlier were already defeated. I’d had a good, healthy breakfast and a salad for lunch so was absolutely starving by the time I got to the store – never a good thing! Especially since ‘diet’ is one of those dirty four letter words that I don’t like using, much preferring lifestyle change . . . I wanted to give up and revert back to the box of pasta, a jar of sauce and some ground beef, it seemed too hard.

A deep inhale and constant self-talk of ‘you can do this’ sent my focus back in the right direction. I picked up some Corvina fish – had never heard of it and upon researching found that it’s a general name for a boatload of white, firm-fleshed fish, similar to sea bass. (No, not quite as wonderful as the Chilean variety!) While at the store, I stocked up on some fresh fruits (cherries, blue berries, peaches and red plums) as well as some veggies to accompany our fish. I’d prefer to get most of my produce at a local market and eat as sustainable as possible, but haven’t found one to cater to someone who doesn’t think about dinner until 7ish on a Monday eve! Now that might be a new line of work for me! LOL

As I may have mentioned, I love to cook and am taking a vow to do it as healthy as possible without sacrificing taste, flavor and my creative flair that I tremendously enjoy. It was getting late and I had to get dinner going or we were going to be eating at 11 pm – it wouldn’t have been the first time! I brushed the fish on both sides with olive oil that I had sprinkled with basil, cayenne, salt and pepper and let that marinate a bit while I began preparing the quinoa. For that I sautéed sweet white onion, mushrooms, zucchini and yellow squash. Stirred the veggies into the cooked quinoa and added some fresh squeezed lemon juice and basil chiffonade. I’d also picked up some heirloom tomatoes – I’ve heard such wonderful things about them, especially the North Carolina ones! I cut the funky shaped red one in wedges, the yellow one in thinner slices and the dark greenish red one in smaller pieces and tossed with scallions (white and green parts) and more of the fresh basil, dousing it all with kosher salt, ground pepper, olive oil and red wine vinegar. It added some great color to our plates!

I broiled the fish for about 8 minutes. It was flaky and succulent and one I’ll definitely purchase again! I’d bought too much, but the leftovers will make some great fish tacos! And we have enough left over quinoa for lunch – but not today, venturing out to use a Groupon I got several months back that expires tomorrow! Hope I don’t stray too much from my eating plan, but if I do, I’ll work at getting back on track!

Oops . . . I’m supposed to be ready, guess I better get into the shower . . .

Time for Change

It’s time to make a change. I’ve been saying this over and over, but action needs to be taken - NOW. Why is it so hard for me to do what I know I need to do? I know I’m like most every other person in this same situation, but I still ask, ‘why?’

I’ve been a bigger, over-weight girl my entire life. I wore a woman’s 6 shoe in kindergarten and have size and heft in my genes. Come on, I really am big boned!! I’m 5’ 8” and when I graduated from high school weighed about 200 pounds. I never felt unattractive and always had pretty good self-esteem, until I got married, but that’s another story!

Up until a few years ago and a torn knee ligament, I was always very active – belly dancing, bike riding, tennis, walking/hiking. I didn’t even let meralgia paresthetica or bursitis in my right hip slow me down. And then I turned 50 and peri-menopause struck big time – I justify everything with peri-menopause! Now I’ve become sedate, lethargic and I’m feeling it. I wake every morning after a restless nights sleep, achy and not wanting to move. Every shooting pain wreaks havoc on my brain. “Am I dying?” Well, of course, at some point I’ll die; but I don’t think at this very moment. Though my Grandmother’s death haunts me, she was 53 too, and her heart suddenly burst, she died instantly. Good way to go, here one moment, gone the next, but I’m not ready for that!!

You’d think my grandmother’s passing 48 years ago would be enough to be a wake up call, but medical technology has made so many advances over the years and of course there is the “it can’t happen to me” scenario. There was a scare a few years ago, constant chest pain was finally diagnosed as acid reflux, only after a battery of tests to determine my heart was in great shape. Even that wasn’t enough of a kick in my ass . . . but some recent blood work results had some startling numbers that is forcing me to open my eyes wide and take a good hard look at myself.

My weight is up, last I checked a few weeks ago it was 254 (it was 247 when I met my boyfriend two years ago and this is the range I have been in for years), my diet hasn’t been that great of late – too many sweets, cheeses high in fat, not enough fruits and vegetables, visit to my parents (wow, that’s another story too!!), portions way too large, too many bad carbs, dinners way too late . . . I could go on and on. My cholesterol is high – 240 (though my HDL is high so that’s good!); my triglycerides are high, too – 272; and for the first time in my life my blood sugar is abnormal with a fasting level of 104 – not necessarily in the pre-diabetic range, but heading there!

If I know I can improve my health and prolong my life by making some simple changes, why the fuck haven’t I done it before now?!! I can’t dwell on my past erroneous ways. I can only look at today and tomorrow and take baby steps necessary to make the changes that I need too. Adding more physical activity is a must. I know what I have to do eating wise, I’ve done Weight Watchers often enough, it’s just doing it. I love to cook and I can cook healthy just as much as I can unhealthy. I don’t believe in depriving ones self; didn’t Julia Child say, “Everything in moderation . . . including moderation.” It’s a good philosophy to adhere too.

And what better time to make changes, I’m not depressed; I’m actually in a happier place than I’ve been in years. I have a supporting partner who handles the fluctuating hormones, tears and wild mood swings with a Kleenex, hug, and patience. He’s my rock of Gibraltar, and I am so blessed that he entered my life. He’d support me 100% and my changes would be good for him too. I think I’ll suggest a walk for this lazy Sunday afternoon . . .